Monday, February 21, 2005
blah~~
off today... i wonder when the confirmed date of o-lv results release will be out... but well act i dun really care...
lately whenever i look into the mirror, or look at others, or look at myself, i will have that feeling again. i dunno how to describe it. i feel as if i dun belong here, as if im not myself. i dunno y my consciousness is in my body, in this body, y my brain is operating in my skull, in this skull... i look at my reflection and i dunno who i am, what i am, and i begin to doubt my existence. i dunno how to describe it really. i dunno if anyone else will experience that kinna feeling. well px once told mi that feeling come over her once in a while but now im experiencing it like almost every single day...
i really cant stand the guys at work. can they jus accept me fer who i am and gimme some basic respect like addressing me by my NAME rather then jus calling mi 'michelle' or 'young michelle' or 'boss' or 'young boss'? its really tiring and they dun stop. so great. now they're calling mi asshole. what the fxxk. jus cos i told them to stop it. cant these guys jus grow up? i mean fer hell's sake most of them are either same age as mi or my senior ok?
sometimes i'll feel quite alone and abandonned and i miss all my frenz but they are not here, and i hafta face the guys who are constantly getting on my nerves, even my female colleagues tease mi every now and den. i wanna cry but i have forgotten how it is like to tear. this is funny considering its coming out of me, the so-called emotional cry baby... so wat? ive tried to ask myself to cry fer so many times, to vent out my emotions, but i cant. i jus cant. in fact the last tine i cried was actually when px left, the last time i saw her....
ever since then, i have not cried.
there's a change washing over me, but i dunno wat kinna change that is. and i dun really care. i told my da jie, that i jus wanna make sure that watever i do, i make sure i dun betray my wants or my heart and mind. i jus wanna be happy. even if the whole world cant understand me, i will continue with wat i am doing. seriously, i jus wish that the people ard me and really support me spiritually.
sometimes i feel that the world is unfair. y izzit that i had to go thru the things i went thru, y izzit that i am still going thru the things im going thru. y izzit that the whole world can gang up to mock mi, ridicule mi, humiliate mi, insyult mi, but they can seem so happy while doing that to mi. nobody else but mi. but later i thought it thru. the world IS unfair. and nobody can change that. im not the only one who had to go thru treacherous(?) paths in order to be standing where i am standing now. at least i haf experienced more den some others. and i will continue to strive. and yes, it is a great sensation when u make other people's life miserable. i dun deny that. thats wat the devil is doing to humans. revenge, torture, destruction. we're 'happy' while ruining other people's lives. and we're doing this to try to cover up the big hole in our hearts, so that the emptiness will not jus stick out like that.
im very proud of all my frenz. they make mi who i am today. if not fer them i would still not noe wat i want, not noe how i feel and i would be jus another nobody in this vast, cold and unfeeling world.
they make me special.
and i love all of them.
2/21/2005 10:54:00 AM
Saturday, February 19, 2005
test
Your Power Color Is BlueRelationships and feelngs are the most important things to you.You are empathetic and accepting - and good at avoiding conflict.If someone close to you is in pain, it makes you hurt as well.You try to heal the ones you love with your kind and open heart.What's Your Power Color? Take This Quiz :-) |  |
2/19/2005 12:12:00 PM
test 007
 | You Are An Introvert!You're not necessarily anti-social, but you do tend to need a lot of alone time.You tend to think before you talk, which doesn't make you the loudest person in the room. While you aren't outgoing, you are a good listener - and you tend to be a loyal friend. And you enjoy your friends as much as any extrovert does, in smaller doses. You're more of a conversation over dinner type than a party animal... and so are all your friends.. Are You An Extrovert or Introvert? Take This Quiz :-) |
2/19/2005 12:06:00 PM
test 005
You Are Winter!Intelligent Serious Cozy Calm ShyWhat Season Are You? Take This Quiz :-) |  |
2/19/2005 12:06:00 PM
test 004
You Are Boyish SexyYou're the kind of girl who gets along with all the boysWhether it's holding your own in a game of touch football...Or kicking some major butt while playing Xbox.You hang with the guys easily, while still keeping your girly sexiness. What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz :-) |  |
2/19/2005 12:05:00 PM
test 001
Your Passion is Purple!You've got a ton of passion, but you don't always wear it on your sleeve.If something truly excites you, you let your inner intensity shine through.But otherwise, your passion tends to morph into energy ... which you never lack.You're a balanced woman, knowing when to turn on the fire in your heart.What Color is Your Passion? Take This Quiz :-) |  |
2/19/2005 12:02:00 PM
Thursday, February 10, 2005
.......
heh hehz.... todays the second day of cny... i hafta work tml nite shift! xianz.... but its not that bad except fer the guys working dere la, all so not serious and irritating. the manager in charge of my time table nicer!! ^_^
oh ya, ever since i started work a lotta ppl haf been asking fer free pizzas... tell u all first ok, i cannot give free pizzas la. even if frenz come max oso ard 10-15% discount. well if i like get my staff discount coupon its only 25% and i only haf 2 so i cant give everyone rite? and hafta give my family at least one rite?? so sighz... sorry everyone...
haha got one more person on my to-treat list liao, that is my da jie!! (my aunt not my sis ok) cos she really helped mi a lot. she was the one who encouraged mi to make up wif px when we ourselves thought that it was over between us. (im les, not doubt me. so wat if i love her?? even if u all say i les i oso say i LOVE HER. muahahahaha) er hrm. ya. and she was the one who really made mi c a lotta things. so thankful to haf her in my life!! :)
although a lotta ppl still dunno the reason behind my depression... (it was esp bad last yr...) but i still feel that i need to think abt it. as i said b4, i will not tell ppl like, things, unless me myself haf already seen past it. i will make sure that im completely over the thing, that the thing no longer affects my emotions, b4 i tell others. cos i dun wan others to worry abt me, and i dun wan others to like be affected by me. and i dun wanna be affected myself. i prefer being confident b4 others. hehz. cant help it. thats me. u gotta prob?? ^_^
ok so i gonna like call px later to wish her happy cny... called her on cny eve but she din pick up, think she was having lessons. and i needa get a fone... as well as a new sim card... as well as a new international calling card... sighz. bleh. XP
well okok so thats all fer now c when i free to blog again, cos fer the next few days if i not wrong i'll b on night shift... sighz. i HATE night shifts... nvm... c how first la...
2/10/2005 08:57:00 PM
Monday, February 07, 2005
...
takoyaki passed away... we have yet to even spend one full year together... and she has left us, left everyone of us, left me...
as much as i hated her fer eating up her children, i still love her... although i noe that this day will come, that mice have short life-spans... i still long fer her to live on... she was still fine yesterday, but...
the stench from her body was so sharp it was offending, but i cannot forget the smell, i cannot forget the image of her stiff body laying in the cage...
everyone loved her so, but now that shes gone, am i the only one mourning fer her? will i b the only one who will remember her? am i the only one who keep her in my heart while others are shunning the thought of a dead animal? did i make the wrong choice by keeping her? maybe i was the one who caused her death?
i tell myself not to cry, but it's so hard, it's too hard...
im sorry, takoyaki. i love u forever.
2/07/2005 04:26:00 PM
Sunday, February 06, 2005
bleh...
sighz... today's my fourth day of work... so far everything's going on quite well... my seniors are more or less shocked at how fast i'm learning certain stuff... haha well i've worked fer one month at xian'er's dad's restaurant b4 ok? just that that was ard 2 yrs ago la... hehz. haha. okok...
well i cant stand the fact that they always HAVE to make comparisons. but well i jus vented my angst to my qing ren jus now so ya.. im more or less ok now. i jus hope that even if everyone dont agree wif my decision, they can at least respect it and support mi. hehz
and thanx hubby!! er i mean second hubby, that is, ber! thanx! ure the first and only to come c mi!! sooo touched!! thanx darlin'!! it means a lot to mi... ^_^ luv ya lots and lots and lots!! :)
heh hehz... shall stop here now... very tired. being a waitress is v hard on the feet ok, mus stand all day... oh ya! but there's one good thing!! i sneaked.... er i mean i TOOK a pizza home yesterday after work!! free of charge!!! seafood supreme!! heh hehz... but thats only sometimes fer the night shift. as fer the morning shift can choose either pasta or pizza, but i dun think can bring home... but well... at least thats better den nth rite?? i mean, one pizza is like near $20 and i get it fer free so its really not bad at all!! yeah! cant waait fer tml to come cos i'll be working night shift so i can try to get pizza again!! ^_^
2/06/2005 10:08:00 PM
Thursday, February 03, 2005
yeah
yoyoyo man im hyper... got a job!! hahaz yes. im quitting school for the first three months to go work... heh heh. am working at Hougang Mall, Pizza Hut... starting work tomorrow... night shift... but yeah!!! job means money!! and got free food and the uniform is nicer den the kfc one!!
jus now (ard 3 - 4 am) i toked to my dearest px!! miss ya so much baby!! hahaz, so sorry to disappoint u darling cos im working in Pizza Hut, which means im not selling bras... heh heh. and no matter wat i REFUSE to go kfc work. bleh. hate their uniform. and i think their pay even less den Pizza Hut.
oh ya. one reason y Pizza Hut is cos their regulations v flexible. its like, i am not required to work on new yr's eve, as well as the first 3 days of new yr. act they wanted to gimme more leave but i tot 3 days was enuf... and cos the contract is act 3 months long, they allow mi to go sch and only work on the weekends after i decide where to go upon the collection of my o lv results. so good rite?? and one of the crew, this Indian lady was really nice to mi!! hahaz hope can get along wif everyone aldoh im pretty anti-social...
surprisingly my dad didnt object at all. i think is cos hes still guilty and is still giving way to mi. but well. its my decision so i am already prepared to face all the consequences. mus b responsible wat... so ya, mus make use of tonight and tml morning to clean up my room fer the new yr... sighz. and i cant wait to tok to px again... sighz... i tot u supposed to call mi on ur way to sch? dun forget hor... faster call... oh ya i typing offline now jus in case she calls... so... faster call la...
and my God i like spent so much today la... bot new shoes fer work, bot chopstix fer my home, bot earrings, an anklet and a gift to my dear px fer v-day... sighz. oh ya! v-day! shitto...... sighz. anw i think i will b working on v-day oso la, cos i told the manager i wanna work on v-day... one more day work one more day's worth of salary wat... and when i get my pay the first person i wanna treat to a meal is my dear dear dear wh... followed by my sis... as fer the others... sorry la my pay limited i c how first k>? heh heh... ()-_-'''
ok today jus blog til now dun think i will blog again til like maybe sunday cos on sunday im on the morning shift so i'll b able to blog on sunday nite... oh ya and it means i can watch the stephen chow movie <<九品芝麻官>>!! its very funny!! cant wait to watch...
sighz and i realise that really, other den px and sometimes my little mao mao... there's nobody to quote movie lines wif.... sighz... i miss singing the chicken wing song and the dong1 cheng2 xi1 jiu4 songs as well as the lines.... bleh. XP nvm i can always do all these in my heart. ^_^ okok shall stop here now and continue waiting fer call.... chia ne!
2/03/2005 03:56:00 PM
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
chinese wordings...
oh ya i jus realised if u wanna c the chinese words u gotta change the encoding to unicode. thanx.
2/02/2005 11:40:00 AM
pot chibi homerun
2/02/2005 11:19:00 AM
3 0f us
2/02/2005 11:18:00 AM
blah~~
ok finally edited a few things here and dere....
when was it that the three of us were so happy together? our three years together seemed so long, yet so short. it seemed like we did everything, it seemed like we have actually yet to get anything done. it was like a dream that decided to leave its mark on us forever... it was a dream that we didnt want to wake up to, but am forced to leave. the serenity and happiness, the scares and anger, the angst and unhappiness from this dream haunts on, forever, wandering around in the deepest parts of my heart and soul.
humans are forever greedy. they think everything should go this way, or should happen that way, jus because they think so. they get something but they are never satisfied. to mother nature it may be a plan gone wrong, a child going outta control. but she still loves us. she tries her best to supply us wif our neverending demands, not knowing this demand will only increase as time goes by. when she is completely exhausted will her children come to their senses? or will they jus blame her fer not giving enough?
humans are fake. many a times i looked into the mirror and suddenly feel like i have never existed. i dont know who i am, wat i am, how i am supposed to be like, whether there is a me in this world. i dont feel like a human and suddenly i jus feel as if im a soul wandering around in this vast world, in this dimension, and i cannot settle down.
i used to ask myself why life was so unfair to me, why i couldnt get the things people got effortlessly, why was it that i jus couldnt, jus couldnt be happy. den i realised. its my life. if i wan it to be like another person's life it would never be MY life. and also, humans will never be happy. because they will constantly be unhappy due to many circumstances. yet, without unhappiness, who will understand the true meaning behind bliss and happiness?
i have decided to accept my life. i wanted to live my life, my way. even if the entire world disagrees, i will still strive on in my way. if there is no path that suits me, i will MAKE MY OWN PATH. in one of Mayday's songs, there's such a line :"当我和世界不一样,那就让我不一样;坚持对我来说就是以刚克刚". it translates to mean sth like :"when im different from the entire world, let me be different; to me, determination is overcoming hardness(difficulties) with hardness(dealing with it the 'hard' way)"...
hope i didnt distort the meaning of that, well i tried my best. so yes, i will continue making my path, even if it means that i have to be different, even if it means i have to be abandonned, even if it means i have to walk far distances many times to make my path show, even if it means nobody else in the world understands me.
sighz. act i think to read this may be very... i dunno. i think this is quite solemn but well, its my style. youve got a prob or sth??
2/02/2005 10:48:00 AM
yoo hoo!~~
ok i finally got a new skin up.... luv this skin!! hope there're no probs esp wif the image since im like hosting it myself... heh heh changed the image cos initially it was this v creepy gurl but i tot it may freak ppl out so i changed to a more.... i would say subtle one... heh heh.
ok i lost my fone... correction: my fone got stolen. sighz...
oh no the bl**dy pic got prob again...
2/02/2005 01:50:00 AM
sighz
ok finally got everything settled!! so ppl i really hope u ppl like the new layout and feel free to give any comments!! heh hehz... ok i should really sleep now in case my dad comes out and skins mi... XP
