Thursday, November 30, 2006
Someone in the least of my expectations called me just now.
I thought I would be flustered, wouldn't know what to do, pick up the call and hope that it was possible for things to return to the way they were before.
It was different.
I was irritated by the call, I didn't want things to be back the way they were before, and I did not want to pick up the call. In fact, I missed it on purpose. Despite being irritated for a short while, I was rather calm and stable about the whole thing.
I don't know what she was thinking, and I don't know if she called because she was obliged to, or because she saw what I told Selina in the diary. It doesn't matter now.
Sometimes it is very weird. I do not regret anything that I have done, because to me mistakes are a part of life. It's just really interesting how people differ. Wen Han doesn't even bother to remember this incident. To her, it's a small thing and it will not affect our friendship. Plus, she was one of those people who really believed in my innate nature, and stood by me all along, proposing to come to my school with me to help me confront my own mistakes.
Not her, not many others.
I never said I was a good person, I never said I was a saint. I am one who is full of ironies... It is hard to sort out myself sometimes.
I read in a comic that "you've gotta earn back the trust you lost yourself". However, to me, I do not wish to earn it back, because what's done is done. A mistake made is a mistake made. To me, trust goes deeper, not just through events, but through a person's soul. Apparently she has failed to read my soul and I've failed to meet up with her expectations. Or is it the other way round, according to her?
"She(me) has high expectations of her friends." She doesn't really see me as a good friend. She finds it tiring to be my friend. Six years, and I only knew this a few months ago. What am I to think?
Now, it doesn't really matter. Even the one I tell myself I am closest to has deserted me. Anything can change, anything can happen. Strangely, I am not too affected, not too saddened. Is it because I'm slow to react? Or is it because somewhere deep now, I saw all this from the start?
This brings me to think about my friends online, Vicki, Steve, AMLiBRE. They're my closest friends, people I've never met before in real life. Many people doubt the sincerity of having online friends, the kinds of bonds formed with people you've never encountered in real life. But does it matter? No one would be able to understand how important these people are to me.
A talk with one of my AMLiBRE people last night made me cry, because honestly, I was hurt because I didn't expect an outright rejection. Also because I've made one of my favourite people uncomfortable. Sorry. I love you so much.
Is it weird to have good friends online? Is it weird to be telling someone you've never associated truly with "I love you", etc? Although many people I meet online think that I am a really nice person and all, this is not very true. Most of them don't understand that I am only really nice and polite to people and things I like, for example them. A few do know of my possible other side, Stevie for sure is one of them.
Through the months, Stevie has been an important friend to me, so now I sincerely hope that we won't be forced to meet up less often when Stevie goes off fer higher education.
And I'm worried sick for Vicki. I miss her so very much, and I'm so freaking worried about her health. I hope she feels better soon and returns to us as soon as possible. Please do take care m'dear.
And AMLiBRE has always been there fer me. Elma, rabbit, teddy, lion, thanx fer the care and concern and emotional support when I was so upset about you-know-who. I haven't talked to her yet, somehow I have a really bad premonition about this, so I need more time to think things out properly.
Anyways, I know, long post. Well, on Sunday Wen Han is coming over, next week I'm gonna play basketball with my 4 Hope Clique, and I look forward to chatting with Stevie and AMLiBRE. There're still so many so many things to look forward to in life, it's such a waste to be bogged down by unhappy events that no longer has the potential to affect me.
11/30/2006 12:30:00 PM
I seriously, seriously wanted to scream and yell and holler out vulgarities.
But then I decided it's seriously not worth it to waste so much efforts on scolding such a bitch. My God, after all these years, I still can't believe I can hate you so much. I used to keep wishing for nothing but for you to die, and I was serious. Although this thought has never occured to me for quite a few years now... I can feel it slowly coming back...
So what. I know a lot of people may be disgusted, but I can say really cold-blooded stuff and mean it. But I wouldn't want my loved ones to hate me or detest me, so fer now da jie, being the only one who is clear-headed enough to be able to identify with me and really really understand the kind of situation I am in and the stand I have decided to take, will be the one who I will say these kind of things to.
11/30/2006 01:50:00 AM
XxThe Best and Most Challenging Quiz of The Nightmare Before ChristmasxX
You know so much about the nightmare before christmas. You must research and study it as much as I do. I have loved this movie since I was a kid and studied it very hard. Congratulations.Please Please Please vote for my quiz.
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11/30/2006 01:37:00 AM
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Whoops, I guess I was supposed to blog happily on Monday night itself, but well a whole hoard of my relatives were here. At 10 plus PM, they were already sleeping... right in front of the computer. So... what was I supposed to do?
Played bball on Monday night as a result of impulse of like, 5 people together. It was great. Although my body is still aching all over now, but it was so fun, I can't wait until next week when we plan to play again with possibly more people. :D
I guess this is the difference. I really love my girls so much, it's just pure pleasure hanging out with them. Gosh, I am just happy to be with them. ^_^
Then yesterday, I went to jc's place. Played KH2 for a bit to try to beat the Hades Paradox Cup, and I finally won it, but I forgot to get the required points to unlock Jimmy's journal!! Argh, me and my absent-mindedness. >_< After an hour of aggressive button-mashing, I realised I had to do it all over again, so I'll leave that to the next time. Don't think my fingers can take 2 rounds of Hades Paradox Cup at one go....
For today, Bekah, JC and I will be meeting up with Mic for dinner, she ends today. Then tomorrow we gonna have another gathering, the others wanna go shop for their prom stuff, and Bekah and I are supposed to be image consultants. Ha.
Next week, when 01 comes back, I'll make sure I poison her with Audition. Haha. And then we play bball more too. And I game more too, all the time.
Although I really like kids, these kids here at my place now are completely wonderfully hate-able. I hate them, loathe them. Never seen worse kids in my life. I tell you, if my kids in future even TRY anything along the line of the things THEY do, I'll bash the life outta them. And I'm serious. Those two are..... *beep* *beep* *beep*
It makes me realise the vast differences between individuals. Unlike my chibi girl-friend and chibi boy-friend, they are like shit. Okay, that's really harsh for kids, but well, I just like their mother, my cousin, and her little baby. Hopefully baby doesn't grow up like his siblings. That would be a great tragedy.
Oh well, might as well post some pictures of my chibi gf and my fave kid in Malaysia where my da jie's home is. :) Now these are what I call cuuuuuute kids. *drools*
11/22/2006 10:19:00 AM
Sunday, November 19, 2006
1
One
Drats, I just typed out the entire entry and my computer hung for me. And guess what? It hung on me THREE times in a row. The degree of hatred I feel for this piece of scrap metal is beyond words' description. I swear, one day I'll personally hammer this stupid thing to bits. I SWEAR. ...... Like, .... What the hell. -_-*******
Anyways, I played mahhjong at my Da Jie's place today, for slightly more than an hour. Opps. That doesn't sound like what I should be doing on the eve of my last paper. Is it because I'm already into my third round of revision for the paper? Is it because History Paper 2 has always been my stronger paper, and Paper 3 this year was really easy? (Oh well, but sadly, I know that for Paper 3 I screwed up at least 1 question already) As usual, I don't feel stressed or nervous at all. Save PSLE and those times where I was emotionally tormented and traumatised by A Maths, I haven't really felt stressed over academic matters. I don't even know if I can get into university, but I guess I still want to remain true to myself and do things my way. *shrugs*
Less than 15 hours to my complete freedom for the next 8 months or so. I'm already booked from tomorrow all the way til Thursday, and I intend to spend time coaxing and deceiving 01, 'leading her astray' by asking her to download and play Audition, then let me play with her too. Haha. It's been two weeks since I last played Audition. How the hell did I survive that? I miss playing Audition... If not for this lousy comp, I would be happily playing Audition on broadband with all my free time, not complaining about this worthless antique on my blog, on dial-up and constantly just waiting for it to crash or hang. And typing this on notepad and saving after every paragraph so that if it does hang or crash, I won't have to keep re-typing this thing time and again. Grrr.
Plus, I'm missing Amaranthia to bits. I steal some random visits there to curb my desire to log in, and this has gonna stop soon. Well, I'll be making my official return to the site come Tuesday, then when I'm at home and not outside partying I'll just work on the Aveyond Complete Walkthrough for Build B. Heh. Tons of people are waiting for it to be updated, I guess. See? All the fault of stupid examinations. Bleh. Amaranthians, await my return! XD XD
Plus, when I get back from Malaysia after my Da Jie and 26's wedding, I'm gonna get work. WORK! WORK MEANS MONEY!! Whoo hoo!! XD XD XD Well, my life will be great as long as I'm outside of AJ anyways. I already have so many plans for the future, I guess I may be really upset if I cannot get into university.
Oh well. I decided that it's really silly to continue typing and constantly watching the stupid thing hang. So I shall stop here for now.
11/19/2006 08:32:00 PM
Saturday, November 18, 2006
2
Two
11/18/2006 12:21:00 AM
Friday, November 17, 2006
3
Three
11/17/2006 11:48:00 PM
Thursday, November 16, 2006
4
Four
Last night, Da Jie's brother was in the International Singing Competition at Hokkien, and he won first place!
We were all watching it online, at home, but the stupid Internet connection was so freakin' slow that the thing kept hanging non-stop... Luckily it cooperated okay at the last part.
The moment the announcer announced 'Malaysia' (haven't even said the name) all of us jumped up and cheered in delight. Woo hoo!!
Although I'm not close to him, I'm really proud of him!~~ Here are some pictures, I captured it off the online telecast of the show, so that explains the lousy quality. WOO HOO!!~~
Also, we had History Paper 3 today. I thought it was an easy paper, but I know I screwed up one of the questions, and I am completely unsure of the Source-Based Question. Still, it was much better than what I have expected. Thank you to Miss Ng for preparing us well for the paper. At least it was way better than Econs. Plus History Paper 2 is the paper I always score better in, so that at least instils more confidence in me. Yay.
One last paper to go, on Monday. After that it's F - R - E - E - D - O - M ! ! !
11/16/2006 06:50:00 PM
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
5
Five
11/15/2006 08:38:00 PM
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I spent most of my free time in the past two days reading all the posts in Jing Chuan's blog.
Don't ask me why. Although that's a really good question.
I should probably be studying like mad now, practising questions and reading through notes and answers for economics.
Sadly, no desire to study right now, as usual. I know I will get down to it later and work my a** off til 3 AM, wake up at 8 AM and then slog until 12:30PM. It's just that I do not wish to do work now.
Maybe I'm being really irresponsible as a student. After all, I'm supposed to be doing nothing but studying. *snorts*
Oh well. I look at all the other people around me who are taking the exams as well, and hell, they are inhuman, the way they mug and mug and mug. Maybe it's because it's AJ we're looking at over here, mugger culture, mugger revolution. I've been slacking since my SN days, and I continue to slack now. Actually, personally I daresay I'm already at the "mugger" level if we're comparing the amount of studying I did in SN and the amount of studying I've done in JC so far.
Every single piece of tutorial prepared for History, save those days I was sick and MIA. That's one truly unbelievable achievement in the life of Tan She Hui. :P
Anyways, I'm missing Amaranthia like hell. Missing all my friends there. I wanna game, I wanna go back to forum-ing. >_< And this blogging thing, it's the only indulgence I allow myself before I go crazy not being able to spend a few hours at Amaranthia every day.
Come next Monday, our exams will be over for me, 01, Bekah, Jing Chuan and Renny. Yay.
.......
Okay, let's try that again.
Yayyyyyyy!!!!!!!
..... -_________-
Forget it.
We're gonna be spending the rest of the day together at Vivo City. Apparently 01 hasn't even heard of it, lol. So sua gu! Opps. Hope you don't get to see this, 01. Hope Bekah doesn't tell you anything.... XD
Am missing my clique to biiiiiits. The get-together gives me more motivation to live through all this exam sh*t!! I mean, all these exam procedures. Yep. So I can't wait for Monday! We'll have lotsaaa fun together! WHEE!~~~
YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *jumps up and down, screaming*
....... -_-
Okay, that's more like it.
Oh well. I might as well count down to the day I will be unleashed from the evil beast with the letter 'A' on it's forehead. Here goes:
6
Six
11/14/2006 07:02:00 PM
What Time Period Do You Belong In?
ANCIENT CHINAFamous Ruler: Emporer Zhengzong
Living Quarters: Brick or wood posts, with plaster floor; partly underground
Hardship: Invasion of the Mongols
The Chinese Empire was one of the strongest empire's ever.
Feng shui rocks!
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What is your angel trying to tell you?
Your angel is trying to tell you that...she's trapped! You've neglected her and her guidance for so long, that you've trapped her in a box. She longs to be let out, but do to your shell-like nature, you only desire to be left alone. Let her out! You need her
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You scored as Philosophy. You should be a Philosophy major! Like the Philosopher, you are contemplative and you enjoy thinking about the purpose for humanity's existence.
What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com |
11/14/2006 06:43:00 PM
Monday, November 13, 2006
Which Dragon resides in your soul? (cool pictures!)
You are a silver dragon. The rarest kind of dragon. YOu are noble yet avoid humans as much as possible. You are the guardian of the defensless and you rule the skies.
Take this quiz!
Seriously...Are You as Gothic as You Think You Are?
This is a rarity. You are the real gothic type. Since you have this result, you should know that Goth is a culture and not a stereotype. You might take offense to people who stereotype themselves as gothic. You stand out from that "darkness" they think that Gothic types are about. You fully focus yourself in nature and its ways. You believe in a balance in the world--that things happen for a reason, and that we should seek it. You are religious in your own way and you believe in doing what is right. You're calm and see things as equal to create balance. (ex: good and evil, etc). You sound like a very peaceful person, especially since you don't believe in war and enjoy tranquility.
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11/13/2006 08:05:00 PM
Friday, November 10, 2006
你选择了逃避的方式，而我亦接收了你的逃避。
或许是我太自私，逼紧了你。或许是答案已经在我们自己的心中。
害怕去面对？我不怕。不会有变质的一天的，不会。
对不起。
11/10/2006 01:16:00 AM
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
--
(Please set encoding to Unicode to view the Chinese characters)
今天看完了整套《酒是故乡酉享》的碟。(不知为何“酉享”字就是会打出个“智”字，不拆开来打不行, 定是电脑和软件都太古老了，真是讨厌)
那套碟是潇给我的，看的时候情绪飞驰着 ， 想起了以前与潇一同看时的那种开心、悲伤、感动、等等的情绪。想起了当初我们俩拿着面纸在电视前痛哭流涕的模样。
我是多么多么地怀念着从前，那么那么地想回到从前。当然，这都是我的妄想。
我是个考生，理应是在勤奋地念着我的书，做好我的本份。然，我现在一点儿读书的欲望都没有。想看戏，想玩电玩或线上游戏。
也想把以前我和潇一起玩过的游戏全都翻出来再玩一遍，回想一下以前所发生过的事情。比如玩《天之痕》时费心地想着主角们的名字，狂练着“鼠锤”狂打着青蛙，玩《幻想三国志》时拼命支持姬霜和姬轩，当然还有在玩《仙剑奇侠传》98柔情版时对着李逍遥和林月如流口水，对赵灵儿破口大骂，在《新.仙剑奇侠传》里学着老头子死掉时发出的叫声。。。
还有还有，学着《东成西就》的台词歌词，当然也有重演或模仿周星驰电影里的歌词台词。。。
好像很久以前的事，又似昨天才刚经历过一般。
很多很多的感触，更多更多的思念之情。
不知不觉，我俩分隔也几乎快两年了。到底是怎么挨过这段日子的呢？或许，以后还得继续挨更多更多的两年。
流泻的情感，得不到适当的释放，但若将这些情感呵护在心中，像好酒般慢慢酝酿，日后细细品尝，未尝也不错。。。
在过几天，考试结束了，我也有空出来的时间了，等我，我会联络你的，也希望能够尽快见到你，好舒缓一下我澎湃的情绪。
