Monday, February 25, 2008
It's Time for Thanksgiving!!
I have been spending much time with my dearie friends from Amaranthia again after my long hiatus, and gosh, it was only after I starting talking to them again that I really knew how much I loved them and how much I missed them. All dearies, life would be so dull without you all. I dedicate this song to our friendship, and I also dedicated a short paragraph to each of you. Just scroll down and I do hope you like it.
(For all those who don't like Rock or Bon Jovi, just go fer the lyrics lol)
Click here to listen to "Bon-Jovi---I-Am"
Bon Jovi - I Am
How do you spend your minutes on the matters
All tomorrows come from yesterday's
When you're feeling broke and bruised and sometimes shattered
Blew out the candles on the cake, like everything's a big mistake
It seems you always wait for life to happen
And your last buck can't buy a lucky break
If all we've got is us then life's worth living
And if you're in, you know I'm in
I'm ready and I'm winning
[Chorus]
I Am
When you think that no one needs you
See if anyone believes you
No one's there to understand
I Am
I'll be there to be that someone
When you think that no one, is there to hold your hand
I Am
We're just who we are, there's no pretending
It takes a while to learn to live in your own skin
Say a prayer that we might find our happy ending
And if you're in, you know I'm in
I'm ready and I'm winning
[Chorus]
And I ain't got no halo hanging over my head
I ain't gonna judge you, I'm just here to love you
I Am
I Am
[Chorus x2]
Dedications - to my dearies, I probably wouldn't have gotten close to some of you if not for what has been going on in Amaranthia lately. But regardless, I thank you all for your support from the depths of my heart and soul, and I hope that I have been your support too. When you ever think that no one is there to hold your hand - I AM. And better still, Moo always come along with unlimited huggles. XD
In no order of preference, my heart-felt thanks go to --
Astral - To the attention-seeker who is totally addicted to daily doses of Moo huggles, thank you. Thank you so much for always being there, for calming me whenever I freak out, for being such a wonderfully close friend, for being who you are. All the times you feel hurt or lost, all the times you feel weary, I will be there for you, as you have been for me. You are my dearie for life and unless I am forced to stay away from my laptop, you can be sure you will be getting those daily doses of Moo huggles. :D
Elma - Yes, you my Elma and I your Moo. You're always that mischevious witch out to have fun and bring fun to all your loved ones. You love people - and that's why they love you back with burning passions. I really really love you so much Elma, to the extent you may seriously get tired of my love some day. I love you for your love, your mischief, your wit, everything about you. I am so proud of my Elma and I thank my Elma so much for always bringing me laughter and guiding me to do what I ought to do. Elma you rock!!
Maren - To a long-time friend of mine, your return to Amaranthia has instilled so much joy in me. Everyday I look forward to seeing you on the site, and I eagerly await your PMs. You have always been someone I looked up to, and I am so flattered and honoured to be your friend and family. Thank you for your support in whatever I do, thank you for your reassurances, thank you for your huggles, thank you for everything, for everything you say and do puts a smile on my face and every word from you is capable of making my day. Thank you so much for being back in my life again, dearie. I've missed you and I love you lots!
Indigo - Dearie, you have been the one making the efforts to keep in touch while I was away from Amaranthia, and I am so grateful for that, it just makes me ashamed of myself and my lack of interest to keep in touch with those people I love because of personal problems. Thank you for your support and I really admire you for your wit and good taste. We have always had similar likes towards many things and I'm thankful for having a friend in you. You always have a special place in my heart and I hope we will stick together for life, whether it be as dark Enchantresses, as fellow Witch sisters, or as fellow Amaranthians, and especially and most importantly as friends. <333
Aeternus - To my dear Aeternus, you have always been kind, understanding and helpful. Thank you for always sparing a thought for my feelings and being always willing to hear me out all those times I felt bitter and upset about things. Thank you for your undying support and thank you for always being such a nice friend. Love you lots dearie, thank you soooo much for everything...
Steph - The one who is always energetic and there to make things better. Thank you for your unique sense of humour, and your frankness and openness. We two are the rabbits, and you and wolfie go fight it out see if he did eat you up or not lol. You are a person of great calibre and I know you will excel in everything you embark on with hard work. Thank you for seeing a friend in me, and I thank you for being a friend of mine. :)
Charlie - Dearest Talan, I am thankful for you being a friend who is willing to confide in me and let me confide in you. All those times you feel like giving up, or just get frustrated about the bitch life is, all those times you need a listening ear, all those times you need someone to pull you up and push you off in the race of life, I will be here for you, supporting you all the way. It was a gift to have you as a friend and I will treasure our friendship so dearly. ^_^
Teddy - Wheeeee I love teddy hugs. XD My teddy rocks the world, especially when she rawrsss and I love it when mah teddy huggles me and goes awwwww on me, it makes me feel like a teddy's teddy. Thank you teddy for always listening me up and supporting my every decision, thank you teddy for respecting me and thank you teddy fer loving me. I your Moo forever and you my teddy forever, whether you 1 inch 1 foot or 1KM high lol. TEDDY ROCKS!! RAWR!!! <3333
Arggie - To my dearest Arggie, thanks for being there to hug me and hear me out every time. Although I not your no.1 fan girl, you know I am crazy over you. Now if I can just get you to stop that pinching/groping... :D Thankies to you for always making my day and everything you do/say puts a smile on my face!! You rock Arggie... Er wait, you are a rock. Hee hee~ <333
Crafty - Dearest Crafty, you are the most enthusiastic girl I've met on Amaranthia. I thank you so much for bringing so much joy to my life and I thank you for loving me. We've been friends for pretty long now and I really thank you for the amount of dedication you put into your friends. I also thank you for always understanding and always accepting and respecting my decisions. Thank you for always listening with a keen ear and thank you for just being the dearie you are. You rock my world girl! <333
Ogre - Dear friend, you're someone I have always admired for your talents, be it in writing or drawing. And I envy you for your wisdom and maturity. Thank you for being there and keeping me calm when I get agitated, and thank you for being there and always providing a good company. Thank you for always being generous with sharing, and thank you for all your kind words. I wish I could go over to KL to visit you one day and when that happens, I owe you one BIG huggle. :)
Nickie - Dearest Nickie, you do know I'm one of your fan girls, right? X3 I love your sense of humour and I love you for who you are, I really respect you for your views on many many things and you totally rock. :) Thank you for being such an awesome friend and continue doing so please! Love you lots Nickie dearie! *huggles*
Stevie - Now, Stevie... Where should I begin? I am your no.1 fan girl but you not on Amaranthia fer me to boast about it lol. Regardless of whether you want to go back or not, I still love you tons, and I thank you for having been such a close friend for so long. I want to tell you that I'm really really proud of you, be it your artwork, your photographs, your written compositions, I'm proud of everything about you. Do take care and work hard on your learning. :) *hugs and snugs*
Tina - I don't know if you will ever read this but like what is in the song, I'm just here to love you. Much has happened, I've been through much hatred and sadness and I'm sure so has you. I am sorry for having hated you for a period of time but I've sorted out my feelings and I hope you will too. It's time for us to forgive but not forget, and most importantly to move on in life together. Take care lots dearie.
2/25/2008 02:28:00 PM
Friday, February 22, 2008
Malaysia Trip Photos Up!
Er I didn't put up the vids of the fireworks, cos that was what I did last year and it clogged up my blog and made several people's IE crash while trying to load the massive collection of videos. :P
Out of around 200 photos my uncle and I took, I only appeared in er... less than 10... Because the car was always packed and I was always thrown at home cos we couldn't possibly all fit into the car. So, while they were having fun playing shopping sightseeing, I was stuck at home in the intense heat with nothing to do. Heck, you call that a trip? And it doesn't help that I now know what hypocritical people the locals are... It was the suckiest Malaysia trip in my life. But I got to see my deary godbrother, and got to spend time with my little girlfriend (who, of course, kept sticking to me except fer those times they all went out to play and dumped me at home) so it makes things all a teeny bit better...
And yes, I am bitter about being thrown at home. And yes, I am bitter about the place in general. So I just tried my best to enjoy the nature and ignore the people. Not like they really like me, like the way they pretend to. Ugh. Sick. Have a lot of missing photos cos it was hard for my uncle to send that much photos to me at one go, so he sent me a few first.
^ Nope, I did not eat the crabs at all. I don't eat crabs in general, only flavoured crabstick. Best served grilled, or fried.
We took a ride on a relative's fishing boat around the place, nearer to the ocean, to the famous Mangrove Reserve, and this was really the only outdoor thing I got to participate in. It was really shiok though, to stand on the boat and feel the sea breeze.
^ Awwwwww soooo cute!!!
I spent the most of my time there with a new love, her name is Mi Mi 咪咪, a ginger cat.. kitty... well... she's still small and she is really playful. She has this habbit of springing up and pouncing on your feet when you come close to her, and will roll around in front of you and meow pitifully all day long to plead with you to play with her. Then if you sit down in front of her she'll come up to you and curl up against your leg. OMG, she is sooooo cute!! I am sooooo in love with her!! <333
Her left ear is injured, I heard she got her ear stuck in a doorway gap and the door closed on her ear. Awwww! So poor thing... T_T
That's it!!
2/22/2008 12:40:00 PM
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
It's Funny, It's Sad, It's True
It is times like this that set me thinking again, over and over, about things that would be unimportant to other people.
A sense of belonging, love, care, and concern, these have always been the things I have wanted all my life, since my sad childhood days. A family, a home, somewhere I can fit in totally, with people I can love wholeheartedly and natually they would love me back.
I fantasied about notions of happiness and imagined how it would feel to be a complete human being. I romanticised love and family.
For slightly more than a year now, I had thought that I had found a new family and a new home - a place offering acceptance.
How wrong I was!
The only things that remained were ugliness, disappointment, hurt, tears, memories, one-sided friendship and fortunately, gratitute for my uncle's love towards me. Another positive outcome of this realization was the reconcillation of my relationship with a person I thought I couldn't get along with. As long-winded and full of complaints he might be, he does offer many insights and we are working to rebuild our hostile relationship that had existed for so many years.
Even before that, I once immersed myself in a virtual home. Now it is torn apart, mainly due to the actions of a certain individual, and I am at a loss as to what to feel. While many doubt the close-knittedness of a virtual community, those were the people I stuck with for months and years. They offered support and comfort, but were ready to speak up for their beliefs, and were ready to correct any extreme thoughts. They were those friends who hugged you close to them, but were ready to stab you in the front if they thought that would be what would help you.
Now, in the same virtual home, I assimilate into a new family, where cracks are less likely to occur, where my friends are. And I am content.
Then I think, why am I always feeling alone and neglected when I know for sure there are so many people caring for me?
It comes down to a spiritual bond between me and each and every individual in my life. When I am depressed, I deny myself any senses and ignore the pleas in my heart telling me to acknowledge other people's love and concern for me. I ignore that spiritual bond, something so special that exists between me and each and every of those people I so dearly love. There was never an issue about them not loving me; I was the one not loving myself.
I sought a way out through suicide attempts, I sought another way out through isolating myself and rejecting contact with all others, I sought yet another way out engaging in deviant acts. I "indulged" myself by dipping myself into sadness and depression, and frankly, I was addicted to it. I still am.
Then I look at the individual I thought I knew. She was constantly using suicide, tears and dissolution of friendship as threats to get what she wanted. And I think about the extent of the similarities between us.
I look at my family - the family I have by blood, and the lack of emotions tell me I am right about the importance of spiritual bonds - blood doesn't really matter.
My mind buzzes and fuzzes, so blank, yet with so many thoughts whooshing about.
I look, I feel, I ponder. Sometimes I forget to look and only focus on feeling, sometimes I am too tired to ponder. Sometimes I ponder too much. Often I deny myself of feeling, then the emotions come gushing at one go when the dam is broken. It is now my aim to incorporate these three in an appropriate balance for a new phase of my learning journey, a journey to learn about life in another manner that can only be mastered outside books.
Do I make sense? Have I matured? Am I a stronger person now?
You tell me, I frankly do not know.
2/19/2008 01:24:00 PM
Friday, February 01, 2008
Back to Where My Sweetest Memories Were
Namely St. Nicks.
I cannot believe that it has been soooo long since I last went back. (Which, I believe, was more than a year ago, when I was still in JC2)
Went back with Wen Han to get stuff from teachers, and of course our first stop was the canteen. Most of the uncles and aunties could recognise Wen Han but some of them couldn't figure out I was me. (The bread stall auntie said I changed a lot. Did I?)
肉圆面线, Orange Bowl, Drinks from the Uncle Mobeen Drinks Stall (But we didn't see Uncle Mobeen there), Wantan, Chicken from the Western Food stall, everything and everything just tasted like home. The canteen, so bright and airy with it's huge size and tall ceilings, made me feel like I was really home.
We met my most favourite Mrs Brenda Tan, who sadly had to join her colleague for lunch (new teacher, so it seems), and also Miss Low Li Eng, who commented that Orange Bowl was the must -- it was our homecoming ritual. She is now a full-time school counsellor, no longer teaching.
On to the staff room. We first saw Mrs Seah (remember? our very cute Mathematics teacher??) who looked at Wen Han with doubt and said, "I didn't teach you before, right?" (Ahahahaha) She then accurately announced my name, which year I graduated, my class, and she even proudly claimed "I know! You are very strong in Chinese!" before going back into the staff room. Ahahahaha. I love Mrs Seah!! So cuttteeee~
Then we saw Miss Thong (I didn't like her when I was in SN, but she worked with Wen Han for school matters back then) and they chatted. Next was Mr Geraint Wong, with funky bright glasses (he commented later that his students were saying stuff about him changing his glasses everyday). Together with another few teachers, Mr Wong and I were discussing about how we signed up for lessons in NUS then and now. Erm, it was more of a complaining session about CORS and grateful appreciation for primitive registration methods that are no longer in use.
We talked the most with Mrs Gloria Gurung, who cut her hair short and looked really good with her current hairstyle. At first it was all discussion over Wen Han's business and all, but after that we moved on to talking about school systems and cultures and then it became an intense discussion about philosophy and also sociology (not heated, but intense). We had to stop because it was getting heavier and heavier (Wen Han needed time to reason things out through silent thinking sessions so Mrs Gurung and I were doing all the talking).
Anyways, anyone got the book "Sophie's World"? Mrs Gurung reccommended it to me and now I'm dying to read it. =) It's a light and interesting read that serves as an introduction to philosophy. ^_^
Anyways, after that we saw Mr Tan Yong Meng (yes, 陈铭铭!!), who, to our horror, has spiked his hair half-way between durian and porcupine style! It looked terribly hideous and I would have told him that in his face if not for the fact that he was rushing off elsewhere. Opps. You know, I have never been known for being polite to CYM. Ahahahahaha. Will tell him that the next time I see him if he still wears his hair that day. Of course, I wish I would never have to see him in that hair ever again.
Last was Mrs Tan Mui Foong, who really looked exactly the same as before. In between all the eating and talking with teachers, I also caught glimpses of Miss Susan Lim and Miss Shirleen Poore, and even Mr Clement Tan, Mrs Teresa Chan, Miss (Mdm?) Nair, who was ever so pretty. There were also Mrs Koh, Mrs Fung (right or not? correct or not?), Miss Molly Leong (whose hair looked exactly the same), Mr Gan (yes no girls? lee-bee-kah), Mrs Christina Tan, the list goes on.
Oh my gosh, that is really my home. I really miss it now that I've just been there. So many memories, so many unperishable bonds and ties, when the school bells chime in the melodies of Catholic hymns, a certain part of me well up with tears of happiness. I just felt like yelling out --
我回来了~
