Thursday, July 30, 2009

this post contains a load of rubbish

I suddenly have this urge to spill out all the feelings I've harboured up all this while.

Yet, as quickly as that sensation came, I am at a loss for words. Thoughts are swarming around in my head, as usual, and try as I might, I can't seem to hold on to anything to help me make out a comprehensive string of words.

Long ago, I thought I had the world. I was cheerful and bubbly, friendly and sociable. I thought I had a happy family, and I never, ever sulked for long. When those little acts of betrayal struck me for the first time, I was way beyond angry. And since then, such incidents never failed to make themselves present in my life.

Knowing her changed my life. She was the first person I approached after entering secondary school. The only one I hung on to after betrayals and more betrayals. We were so alike, yet so different. We were happy together, we were sad together. We worked hard together conscientiously, we broke all the rules together. We were soulmates.

Perhaps she was the only exception, perhaps I chose to live this way after she left. I was never willing to let anyone new come into my life with that same depth and length, and I subconsciously blocked people out. I prided myself for being anti-social, I believed that I was different, I believed that she was different, I believed that we were different.

But who am I kidding? The truth is, I'm not some saint. We are not that noble. I've done many things that I ought to be ashamed of. I was never honest to myself nor many other people. I tied everything in my life to her. And after I stopped doing that, I would somehow find other excuses to try to explain things such that I didn't feel the need to start hating myself seriously. We vowed everything would be the same, but in the end we minded each other's well-being so much that that exact sentiment was what caused us to distance.

I told myself that nothing would change as long as we set our hearts and minds onto it. Once, I believed that as long as all parties nurtured their relationships with commitment, everything could last forever. Sometimes, I feel that I am just running away from problems. I do not wish to be understood. Yet, at times, there is a deep sense of longing beside me. A longing for someone to be there for me, someone to be called mine.

Yes, my life is fucked up. But I chose to be this way. I messed things up and I'm thankful for whoever's been alongside me all this while. I love to contradict myself, I attract trouble everywhere I go, I'm depressed and emotional, I'm weak and vulnerable, but I know that there are people out there who love me for who I am.

Yet, I know not how to deal with this sense of emptiness, this loneliness. I do not know how to be a good friend, I do not know where to find strength that will allow me to keep going on. There are forever so many matters going on in my head. PX used to tell me that people do not understand me because I do not let them understand me. If that is really the case, what right do I have to whine? If I am really proud to be anti-social, why do I feel so abandoned by everyone?

Many people have chosen to leave my life for various reasons. I do not think this is simply because I'm meant to be put through more trials in life, nor do I think it is because I'm unlucky, or that the problem lies with them. I think it's high time I acknowledged that this is all because of my own flaws. And because this is such a long and stinkily emo post and nobody is going to bother paying much attention to it, I might as well carry on with my insane ramblings and then go bang my head against something.

To two special people, I have no intentions to harm anyone but I know that I will end up being the horrible asshole to inflict the pain. But I really cannot stand it. I am very self-conscious about many many things and I wonder if you will make the same decision as me if you were in my shoes. Rather than being the odd one out, I would rather cease to exist from the surface and watch on faithfully in the backgrounds. This is my selfishness and I hate myself to the core for being such a bitch. Regardless, I give every single ounce of my blessings. Sincerely and honestly, you two are very special people to me. I love you both.

To that someone who left me after what 12 years. I was way too naive to think that I saw her as my own sister and therefore she would naturally see me as her family too. I was way too trusting, pouring out all my woes to her, only to have her accumulate her negative feelings towards me everytime I confided in her. I was too unreasonable to expect her to place our friendship over her family's reputation, I thought too simplistically that she would at least see me as a friend. It is my fault for not realising that we were never of the same frequency.

To her brother, whom I chose over other people, I expected way too much from him. I thought I found a soulmate and brother in him, and I believed in all the promises he made to me. Again, I was too naive. I thought he would choose our friendship over his family. He said he was unhappy to be in his family. Yet it was his family he had chosen in the end. He said he would support me all the way. He said he would watch over me for life. He said I was his closest friend in the world. But he never meant it and I never doubted him. Still, I am sorry. Without me in his life, he is definitely happier. Without a doubt, I was the one who caused him to fall ill to begin with. When I was in his life, he was always unhappy, his illness would always work up. But now that I've left, he is more carefree, less stressed.

To you, whom I have been attracted to for a while now......... You're probably not going to be reading this, but after PX, you've been the only person I'm really attracted to. You're the one who made me realise that I am indeed a bi, if not a lesbian. I have every reason not to take a liking to you, and I appeared so even to you. Hack, I even convinced myself for a period of time that I really disliked you. We never talked much. We do not know each other for long. I tried to convince myself that I do not fancy you, but no matter how hard I try, somehow I would always be reminded of you. Perhaps it was because of how we started out. But whatever it is, I am not frank enough with my feelings, and I do not even dream of taking any initiatives. All I can say is that I'm sorry for never treating you well although I've been attracted to you all along. I was in self-denial and because of that, I had been a complete ass. I wish you a happy life ahead.

And finally, to myself................ I am sorry for being such a fucked up person, haha. Time to flush all the shit away and know how to be grateful and content for the countless things in life that I've already got. Ciaoz.

7/30/2009 01:50:00 AM

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Pictures from the past few days

Okay, I was supposed to post this up yesterday but Yahoo pissed me off so much that I exploded instead of doing up this post.

Last Saturday, I went over to Jing Chuan's place to plan my modules for MPE. Not that I like Tigger but I was bored so I took a picture of it anyway:

This Tigger brings back memories about the lame stuff we used to do. Well, I have a huge Eeyore too... Basically for Christmas 2 years ago I got the Tigger for JC and JC got the Eeyore for me. No difference from getting it individually, I KNOW. Oh wells. :D

Sunday was the start of our Japanese lessons. There's this bunch of SUPER IRRITATING SECONDARY SCHOOL KIDS from St. Joseph's Convent. Totally disgraces other Convent girls can. =.=

And the place is so damn run-down, I can see all the paint peeling, all the dust on the windowsils and, hack, even layers of dust on the WALLS. It's a very, very scary place. But it's cheap, so bo bian =.=

Anyway, we went to this White Tangerine Cafe after lessons for lunch. Cheap food (not wonderful but not expensive), the interior decoration is bright and cheerful, and the staff are very friendly. Will probably have lunch here every Sunday after Jap classes.

And here's something I've decided to reward myself with every Sunday from now on: Cinnamon Melts from MacDonalds!! Wheeeeeee I loooooove this thing so much~ >w<

And finally, on Sunday night the BABY was being brought over to my house. I snapped quite a bit of pictures. LOVE LOVE LOVE! :D

*Cough*

On Sunday night my old friend Insomnia came over to visit me again so I was wide awake in bed all the way until 740AM. By then I had such a bad headache I could totally smash 1000 bricks against my head and feel nothing. Oh wells, I took the day off and slept from 8 plus until about 10AM, then I couldn't sleep anymore. Dang. =.=

Later in the afternoon, PEOPLE asked me for favours again and I wanted to take a look at baby too, so I went down~

So cute hor! :D More pictures coming up in the next post! (:

7/16/2009 11:39:00 PM

Fuck Yahoo Mail

I. Am. Freaking. Pissed. Off. Now.

That's it. Yahoo, you've just sentenced yourself to the ultimate death penalty for ruining my mail account. How do you think I would appreciate finding out that I CANNOT change my account back to its original settings after YOU forced me to change it over to another language? And what of the totally messed up page encodings on top of the horribly irritating hassle of having to sign in every single time I open a Yahoo page?

Now you think I'm Taiwanese and I cannot change that no matter what. WTF.

EVERYONE, CONTACT ME AT MY GMAIL FROM NOW ON. DEATH TO YAHOO MAIL =.=

7/16/2009 01:49:00 AM

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Transformers, Annalakshmi, 记得吃

Cough. I'll be spamming pictures again.

Went out with half the clique on Tuesday after work -- to Annalakshmi! (Bekah, Jing Chuan, Yi Xian, Si Xian)

Great food and awesome shop culture. Bekah was initially happy that she had her camera with her -- but she forgot to bring the camera battery (or was the battery flat?) =.=

So, limited pictures, mostly of food~ (We were too occupied with talking and munching to spend time on taking pictures)

Paper Thosai (:

2 different kinds of curry + Gobi Manchuria (the hands-down favourite for everyone)

What an achievement! *BURPSSSSS~*

Dropped by 读意　while waiting for Renny to join us - I saw a Moo Moo that I realllllly want! But it was so expensive... (19 bucks, wth) T___T

@记得吃 after Renny arrived -- they have some mean deserts, but quite pricey. Random picture taken by Renny.

And I really do have to show this. This. Is. A. Mobile. Phone. Owned. By. Renny. Dearest.

How she tormented her phone to this state is really beyond me. And it's not like this is the first time I'm seeing missing parts on her phones...

And these are the results of the new nail polish I bought from Faceshop. Dang, everyone (including me) is in love with the blue. :D The red was so-so. My cheapo Rainbow brand nail polish had a nicer colour.

And coming right up: The sequel to Mac's Transformers Toy Show at work! :D

Wow. I took ages to find out the name of this one. It's a DECEPTICON(Cybertron)!!! *Cough* By the name of Buzzsaw.

This one's Longrack! Crushsteel punch HIIIIYAAAA!!!

And this poor little thing is Prowl (He told me it was Bluestreak, but it wasn't!). Mac spoilt it so it has a uber big missing part T^T

It's still pretty though~

And...... TADA!! OPTIMUS PRIME!!!

XD I wonder if there's a part 3 coming up... XD XD XD

7/09/2009 09:05:00 PM

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Hokkaido Fair + Bears + Pictures!

Special thanks to YI XIAN and MICHELLE for dispersing my foul mood from yesterday.

Today was an extra tiring day, maybe because I've been dead for too long and now I've finally decided to buck up and get my ass moving.

I'm starting by throwing out some random photos that were not taken today. =x

Little Mac's toy - Bumble Bee :D I've been trying to convince him to bring Optimus Prime over to show me.

Transform!!!!!

POSE!!!

My pretty desktop wallpaper from work. Me <3 daisies ^___^

And *cough* my boss, Jennifer's one-legged bear on her O2.

My little bear. Got it as a gift when we went to get our seats for this August's Mayday concert. (:

I don't know why but lately life's gotten "bear-y" for me. No special reason but somehow it just happened. Oh wells, they're cute. X)

On to pictures from today!!! Kicked-start the morning with the annual Hokkaido Fair with Michelle at Tampines Mall. Look at the horrible crowd. And we reached at 11AM OKAY!!! =.=

Picture courtesy of Mich's phone. (:

After Hokkaido Fair I lugged myself to FAR EAST PLAZA. Alamak, damn far, damn tiring. =.=

And I'm going to tarnish my own image by posting this picture. HAHAHAHA. But it was so comical I was laughing at myself, so erm, I took a picture to..... laugh at myself more =.= Ha.

Quoted from Xian: "That's a weird expression...." (T____T)

This is how I looked like when I just got home. Notice that I had a haircut? SAY YES. I WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

Anyways, after spending about 3 hours rotting (and resting) at the salon I lugged myself all the way to Ang Mo Kio (WA LAO EH, DAMN TIRING LAAAAA) to meet Yi Xian for dinner + dessert @ MOF.

Below photos courtesy of Xian's 8 MegaPixel camera Sony Ericsson phone

Finally, I can show the world my new horny-pink Sony Ericsson T707 -- CHIO EH!!! With cool lights and gesture control. SHIOK EH!!!! But lighting at New York New York wasn't that great so the colours are not that accurate.

Notice that I also had a "bai-ka" bear bear that matches Jennifer's one. It's a gift from her. Of course, when we both first used the accessories both bears were... er, normal... =x

Xian took a photo of the stuff I bought back from the Hokkaido Fair. Milk candy for Mac, butter candy and strawberry chocolate for myeslf. (:

And back at home I took pictures of these:

A panda bag I bought!! (Pandas are er, bears too, no? :D)

Nail polish from Faceshop: Uber-dark blue and gothic red <333333333 :D

Now THAT was a big update! Ciaoz for now X)

7/04/2009 11:28:00 PM

Friday, July 03, 2009

This seething anger, this unimaginable rage.

Your lack of reason, logic or anything of the likes of it never ceases to amaze me.

Something that happened as a result of YOUR own shortcomings can be twisted such that it is of no importance at all and now, according to you, I am the one causing all the unhappiness. Reflect upon yourself, use your brains for once.

How long have you known me? DO YOU NOT KNOW MY CHARACTER? I guess you don't. If you did then you wouldn't have given me that fucked up attitude over your own mistake. Oh, and of course, you just HAD to make it worse. That's just like how you do it every single time.

As usual, my life is already screwed enough and YOU are one of the main contributors.

GND LA.

7/03/2009 08:00:00 PM

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Say No To Rape!!!

Help by signing the petition!

Marital Rape should not go unpunished!

Click on the above to go to http://www.notorape.com/ and make your voice heard~

(PS: Will make a post about my new phone soon)